Are You Solving The Wrong Problem?

Self-help, at its core, is a search for solutions to the problems in our lives so we can be happier.  And we all have problems. Most of us spend considerable energy trying to solve our problems to make our lives better.  We buy self-help books by the dozen, do tons of research on the internet, and ask for advice from family and friends and experts.  Yet we often fail to solve these problems, which is why self-help is so lucrative in the first place.  What are we doing wrong?

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Here’s how the extended problem solving procedure usually looks:

1. Have a problem.
2. Try to fix it.
3. Fail.
4. Do some research.  Look for new ways to fix your problem.
5. Try new solution.
6. Fail.
7. Try another solution.
8. Fail.
9. Seek an expert’s opinion and advice.  Maybe their expertise.
10. Expert fixes problem, or tries and fails.
11. NOW WHAT??

Let me give you a common example:

1. You need to lose weight.
2. You start watching what you eat and cutting back calories.
3. You haven’t lost any weight in two months.
4. You get online and look for weight-loss info, maybe go buy some dieting and weight-loss books.
5. You start a new diet according to this research.
6. You still haven’t lost weight.
7. You switch to a different diet.
8. And you STILL haven’t lost weight.
9. You look up a dietitian, go to your doctor, or join Weight Watchers.
10. For some, this works.  For others, still no weight loss, or not enough.
11. NOW WHAT??

For the person in this example, it seems like they just can’t land on the right solution to their problem, and so they keep digging for new solutions to try.  You may even look at this description and think to yourself, “Yeah, this person just hasn’t found the right diet for them.  Or maybe they need to exercise.  A last resort might even be one of those gastric bypasses.”  They’re not ultimately failing at their goal, really, they just have to keep trying.  Because quitters never win and winners never quit.  Right?

WRONG!

This person actually needs to give up and STOP trying.  All these failures are telling this person something, but they aren’t stopping to listen.  ”You’re working on the wrong problem.”

I’ve got something for you to chew on here.  You don’t need to solve your problems. Before you do anything, what you really need to do is evaluate your problems.  Ask yourself two things:  Is this really a problem? And, is it the REAL problem?

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To keep with the original example, let’s look at weight loss through this new way of thinking.  Is the need to lose weight really a problem? The answer will vary for everyone.  It depends on your weight, your health, your happiness, and lots of other variables.  In a broad generalization, if you weigh 500 pounds, then yes, it’s really a problem.  You likely have some mobility issues, and your weight is likely causing some other real health problems, like diabetes or high blood pressure.  However, if you’re 300 pounds, have no mobility problems and are otherwise healthy, then it’s probably not really a problem.  Yeah, you would benefit from losing weight, but your weight is far from killing you.  If you’re 300 pounds, as I described, but unhappy about being so, weight loss is a problem.  But it’s not the real problem.  What IS the real problem? In this case, it’s body image and how you think about yourself.  You’ll benefit a lot more from solving these underlying self image problems than your surface weight loss problem.

But wait, the 500 pound person with diabetes and high blood pressure still needs to answer the second question too.  And the answer will vary.  Maybe weight loss is the real problem, and maybe it’s not.  Maybe it’s a need to be healthier, a need to be more active, or a need to improve eating habits.  Maybe the real problem lies in the person’s diabetes management, and that’s where they should focus their energy.  Is something else causing the weight gain?  Our problems are rarely as simple and straightforward as they seem.

Here’s another, shorter example:  A person with diabetes is having pain in her feet.  Pain pills, new shoes, and physical therapy aren’t going to help her, at least not much, if the real problem is that her blood sugars are always high and she’s suffering from diabetic neuropathy.  Focus on the diabetes, not the feet.

At this point, you may be thinking, “Okay, so the next time I have a problem that I can’t seem to fix, I’ll take a look and see if I’m working on the wrong problem.”  That’s not what I want you to do, at all.  There’s a reason why I’m telling you to evaluate the problem BEFORE you start trying to solve it, rather than after repeated failures.  You need to make sure you’re working on the right problem before you start so you can make sure you’re not sabotaging yourself. The person who’s dieting but whose real goal is to be healthier is in trouble, because lots of diets, while causing weight loss, can actually make you less healthy.  Evaluating the problem after failing at solving it in this case will leave you with even more work to do, because now you have to undo the damage you’ve done.

The short version

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Find the REAL problem before you try to solve it.  You have a brain, so don’t jump in to action before using it.

And, for God’s sake, stop generalizing!  Each situation and person is unique, and the solutions will be too.

Any questions, or do you just think I’m full of crap?  Go ahead, share in the comments.

Related posts:

1. Understanding a Problem Doesn’t Always Fix It: You May Still Need Help or Therapy
2. 4 Ways to Fight Daytime Fatigue and Nighttime Sleep Problems
3. The Truth About Diets
4. Mental Health Isn’t All In Your Head
5. Stop Blaming the Ill For Their Illness