Be Yourself. Really.

Why is it so hard to be yourself?

photo by {link:http://www.flickr.com/photos/auntikhaki/4161161051/}Kathy Mackey{/link}

Ask someone for advice on a job interview or a first date, and they’ll tell you, “just be yourself.”  Then they follow up with a list of things you should do and tell you how to act (which may or may not clash with who “yourself” really is).  It makes you wonder why they told you to be yourself in the first place, if they feel the need to give you additional rules and suggestions and limitations.

• “Don’t be nervous”
• “Get her talking about herself”
• “Make sure to smile”
• “Don’t talk so fast”
• “Be agreeable”

You get the idea, I’m sure.  Now, I understand that certain social situations have certain social rules to them.  You don’t swear in church, you don’t give lectures on politics at a party, and you don’t scowl at an interview.  But this kind of behavior and attitude goes deeper than that.  We feel the need to downplay certain parts of ourselves, leave things out, and emphasize others.  It’s like we try to project an idealized image of ourselves to other people.  Rather than “be yourself,” it becomes “be BETTER than yourself.”  ”Yourself” just isn’t good enough, I guess.

As an individualistic society, we should value people as unique individuals rather than trying to make them fit into an idealized mold.  Ever seen “The Stepford Wives?”  Too much “ideal” is creepy.

The problem is, we think that no one will like us as we are, so we want them to see something better.  We feel like we’re not good enough, so we make some tweaks and act like (what we think is) a “more likable” version of ourselves.

To complicate the issue even further, we have slightly different faces we have to put on depending on the situation, because in order to be universally liked, you have to be different things to different people.  At work, you’re one person.  At home, another.  While out with friends, you’re a third.  If someone runs into you outside the realm in which they normally see you, like a coworker spotting you at a karaoke bar on Saturday night, it’s downright awkward.  Neither one knows how to act.  You may not even recognize each other because you both seem so different outside of work.  Not because drinking isn’t allowed at work (unless you work quality control at Budweiser or something), but because your coworker has never heard you laugh and didn’t know you love to sing, even though you’ve sat next to each other and exchanged chit chat every day for the last six years.

[pullquote]As a matter of fact, I’m guilty of the laugh thing.  I tend not to laugh in public if I can help it; I chuckle.  Because when I really laugh, I’m very loud.  People stare.  My laughing even made my niece cry once when she was a baby.[/pullquote]

It’s fine to conform to the norm.  After all, that’s what society expects and demands of us.  But only to a point.  We should still remain true to our own personalities, all the time.  Repressing ourselves makes us uncomfortable and unhappy.  Sure, you may land the job by appearing to be exactly what the boss wanted, but how happy is either of you going to be once he figures out that’s not who you really are?  Or he doesn’t and you have to pretend for 8 hours a day until you quit or die?  If you’re normally agreeable, then go ahead and be agreeable.  But if you’re usually challenging, let it show.  It’ll be better for everyone.

Go ahead.  Be yourself.  Not just a halfway, watered-down version because you’re afraid of what people will think.  All the way.  Because more than that “ideal” version of yourself, people like genuine.  My husband thinks my laugh is great.

Related posts:

1. Your High Self Esteem Makes Society Suck
2. Maybe You’re Not a Failure After All