Change Yourself to Change a Relationship

Yesterday, I made what I referred to as the most important point I might ever make.  Today, while the point may not be quite as important, to make up for that, it’s going to be a hell of a lot harder to follow through with.  I know, hooray, right?

When you’re dealing with an unhealthy relationship, or any relationship really, you have to realize that you have no control over the other person or people in it.  Ultimately, you have no control over anyone other than yourself, which can kind of stink sometimes.  After all, wouldn’t it be easier to change the people around us if we’re having trouble with them?  So, beyond talking to the person about what’s wrong and what you want to change, and asking them to change, any changes they make are going to be up to them.

This doesn’t mean, though, that you can’t do anything else about the situation.  One of the most effective ways to change the dynamics in a relationship is to change yourself.

I know, I know.  Why would you want to change when it’s the other person whose behavior is the problem? (I’m writing this post with the assumption that you, the reader, are free of any blame and trying to fix a relationship with someone who is somehow mistreating you.  If you’re actually the messed up one in the relationship here, my apologies, and you’ll have to make the appropriate mental adjustments to the reading.  Or just knock it off.  Your choice.)

You would want to change because, if you change what you’re doing, then it’s going to change what the other person does as well.  And I’m guessing, if you’re reading this, then the other changing what the other person is doing is a good thing.

What To Change

This is the first thing you need to figure out.  Fortunately, it’s not too hard.  Just take a look at the other person’s behavior that’s bothering you.  Then, take a look and see what you’re doing before this behavior and how you’re reacting to it afterwards.  Those are the two behaviors of your own that you need to change.

Of the two, your reaction is the easiest to change, as well as the easiest to recognize.  It’s harder, though not impossible, to see what you’re doing that sets the other person off.  You may not be able to see it until after the fact.  Even if this is the case, changing only your reaction will help the situation immensely.  If you don’t react the way they need you to in order to continue hurting you, then they have to alter their typical behavior.  Here’s a somewhat simplistic example:

You’re back in elementary school again, being picked on by a bully on the playground.  Normally, when he starts teasing you, you start to cry, then try to run away, and he beats you up and laughs at you in front of his friends.  Today, you decide that, since it’s not working, you’re going to do something else.  He starts to tease you, and you calmly tell him to shut up.  He pauses, but then decides to continue as he normally does.  He shoves you down, which would normally start you crying.  Instead, you roll over sideways and kick him in the kneecap.  He starts to cry.

You may have to do some trial and error before you find something that fixes the situation, if the situation is fixable, but trust me.  Whenever you change your reaction to someone, it will change their behavior.

How To Change

The second thing to do here is a lot harder than the first.  You’ve probably tried to change something about yourself at some point, so you know this already.  Unfortunately, while it won’t be too hard for me to explain some tips on changing your behavior here, the hard work is all yours.  Sorry about that.

First, sit down by yourself and think about a situation that already happened that’s an example of what you want to change.  Maybe a typical argument between you and your father, or something like that.  Play it out in your head, as it happened.  Then, mentally practice your new behavior in this situation, but don’t think about what happens next, because you won’t be able to predict the other person’s behavior.  If you usually start screaming at him as soon as the two of you start talking, picture yourself taking a deep breath and speaking calmly.  Do this over and over during the course of a week or two to really cement your new behavior in this situation in your mind.

The next time you interact with your father (in this example), try to remember to use your new behavior and see what kind of reaction you actually get.  If you forget and act the way you normally do, that’s fine.  Just do it over in your mind the way you’ve been practicing, and try to remember next time.  It’ll take some practice, but you’ll get there.  You may even catch yourself during the act, and have to stop yourself and change what you’re doing, as you do it.  This is fine, too.  Just practice, practice, practice.

In the end, you may have to try more than one change in order to get the reaction you want.  Or, no matter what you do, the other person may not want to change the dynamics, and may find other ways to force things to play out the way they usually do.  At this point, all you can do is tell yourself that you tried, and decide what you want to do next (which I’m going to get into in the final part of this series, next time).

Some Things to Keep In Mind

• Understanding a problem doesn’t always fix it
• The Keys to a Successful Relationship
• Things Aren’t Always Black and White

Your Experiences With Change

Have you had any luck changing a relationship with a family member for the better?  How have you fared trying to change your own behavior?  Care to share any successes or failures?

– photo by Marlon Hammes, courtesy of Flickr

Articles In This Series

• Recognizing An Unhealthy Family Relationship
• Clear Communication For Repairing An Unhealthy Relationship
• Change Yourself to Change a Relationship
• When to Shake Some Things Off, and When to Let Go

Related posts:

1. Recognizing an Unhealthy Family Relationship
2. The Keys to a Successful Relationship
3. Breaking Free of Unhealthy Family Dynamics
4. Health, Family, and Relationships
5. Why Arranged Marriages Should Make a Comeback