Self esteem is fragile and elusive. Some people struggle with low self esteem for their entire lives, while others never really have a problem with it. Why is that? Are these people somehow immune to the things that make the rest of us feel bad about ourselves? Are they somehow simply better than us?
Absolutely NOT!
What a lot of these people have done, however, that we haven’t, is chosen to base their self esteem and self worth on how they perceive themselves rather than on how other people see them. Then, rather than constantly worrying about what other people think and constantly trying to please them, they can simply learn to evaluate themselves based on their strengths and accomplishments. If you’re able to not be too hard on yourself, then basing your self esteem and self worth on how you see yourself makes it a lot easier to feel good, and it makes your self esteem a lot less fragile and changeable.
How Do You See Yourself?
This question plays an important part in improving your self esteem. If you want to improve your self esteem by basing it on how you see yourself, rather than on how others, or society, see you, then you want to make sure you see yourself in a good light. Otherwise, you’re just shooting yourself in the foot here.
You’re especially going to have a hard time if you only see yourself as others see you. So, before you try to change the source of your self worth, practice some self-evaluation. Practice seeing yourself, through your own eyes, and tell yourself what you see and what you think and feel about it. Then, start focusing on what you see, and practice highlighting the good things and minimizing the bad.
You may be saying to yourself,
“You want me to judge myself on my good qualities and stop being so hard on myself about my flaws. That’s being unrealistic and not basing my self esteem on the facts, just on what I want to see. How is this useful or helpful? Isn’t this just self-deception?”
Why yes, yes it is. In a way, anyway. Think about it, though. How is this any different than basing your self esteem on anything else? Society doesn’t try to look at all of the facts and make a fair decision; neither do the other people in our lives. Judgments are based on what we, and others, choose to see.
I’m not saying to ignore your flaws and weaknesses altogether. You can, and should, try to work on improving them. But don’t base your sense of self on what’s wrong with you. Focus on the good things, and as you start to see yourself as this collection of good traits, you’ll continue to act in a way consistent with that point of view. And that’ll just make you better.
Neat, huh?
Self Worth and Self Esteem, Not Worth and Esteem
You need to remember, while trying to improve self esteem, that the defining word is “self.” We’re not talking about your worth to others or the esteem that others hold you in; we’re talking about SELF worth and SELF esteem. By definition, these should be based on how you see yourself, not on how others and society see you. Your sense of self should not be based on what others see, but what you see in yourself. It’s okay to feel bad about yourself once in a while, especially if you’re done something wrong, but you shouldn’t feel that you’re a bad person because of it.
Most importantly, remember that YOU define who you are. Not other people. When you can internalize this idea, then you won’t find yourself so dependent on the approval of others in order to feel like a worthwhile human being. You’ll know that you’re worthwhile, despite what other people may say and do.
– photo by Jamie, courtesy of Flickr
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This advice is especially valuable for teenagers and young adults. So often they base their self worth on acceptance by their peer group. If they happen to have a supportive peer group and family it’s not so bad. But what about those that have nothing!
Excellent point. Acceptance is great for your self esteem, but as soon as that acceptance goes away for some reason, if that’s all you’ve based your self worth on, you’re out of luck. Some people have the bad luck to be surrounded by rejection, and those people especially need internal sources of self esteem.