When it comes to relationships, of any kind, one size most definitely does not fit all. Yet when people talk about relationships, they talk about them in terms of what works for them and what their own wants and needs are, then pass that information off as universal. In reality, the elements of a good relationship are different for everyone, as are the behaviors necessary to maintain a good relationship.
There are, however, three keys to forming and maintaining a successful relationship with someone – friendship, romantic, professional, or otherwise.
Compatibility, compromise, and communication.
Notice I didn’t mention honesty, or commitment, or similar interests and beliefs. These, and a lot of the other things I omitted that you might think are important, fall into a category of “things that are sometimes necessary, to varying degrees.” You don’t always need them, and even when you do, how much of them you need depends on the individual circumstances. These things I left out, though, are the things that are continually cited as being essential to a good relationship. Why, and why aren’t they really important?
1. Compatibility
This is where most of those “important” variables fall. For example, not everyone needs honesty, but those who do need to find someone who is as honest as they need a significant other to be – they need someone whose level of honesty is compatible with their own need for honesty. The more compatible two people are across the dimensions that matter to them personally, the more likely their chances for success.
They say that there’s someone for everyone, and I think that’s true. For every sadist, there’s a masochist, and for every narcissist, there’s someone ready and willing to give them as much attention as they need. It’s all about compatibility.
The key here is to figure out what’s important to you, as an individual, and then find someone who meets those needs. Within reason, though, because no one is going to be perfect.
2. Compromise
Since no one is going to be perfect, compromise is necessary and inevitable. There will be things that you want and need, and that you don’t want and need, from another person that they won’t want to give you. And vice versa. If you want to have a relationship of any kind with another person, you won’t always get what you want, and sometimes you’ll have to do things you don’t want to do.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to compromise in everything, or that you should. You have to set consistent limits for yourself on what you will and won’t compromise on, or you’re going to find yourself miserable. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean giving up your wants, needs, and ideals in order to make someone else happy. It means finding someone with compatible wants, needs, and ideals, and being willing to compromise on the rest.
3. Communication
In my experience at least, no one can read your mind, and it tends to piss people off when you expect them to. Don’t expect the people in your life to just “know” things; otherwise, you’re just setting them up to fail you. Instead, if you want or need something, or something’s bothering you, tell them. And don’t expect dropping hints about things to be successful. When you talk to them, be clear, be thorough, and be concise. If someone knows what you want and understands why you want it, they’re more likely to give it to you.
A brief comment about honesty here. While I stand by what I said before, that honesty isn’t necessarily a requirement for a good relationship, honesty when communicating your wants and needs IS necessary.
Closing Thoughts
Everything is relative, and that includes what a person needs in order to be happy and successful in a relationship. So, when giving or receiving relationship advice, keep that in mind. Also, keep in mind when judging someone else’s relationship against your own, that all relationships are different, just like the people in them, and you can’t see everything from the outside. The only relationship you can judge is your own, and only against your own and from your own point of view; even your partner in the relationship is going to see and experience it differently than you do.
What do you think? What are the keys to success in a relationship? And what are some of the stumbling blocks to that success?
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Hi Pam, I'm sure I agree with you that there is a partner for every person. I am fat and the stats say that men won't go with a fat woman, though men have no problem finding women if they are the fat ones.
While statistics say one thing, not everyone's personal preference is in line with statistics. They talk about the majority, but there are plenty of people who aren't in that majority. I have friends who dig fat women and think skinny women are gross, and vice versa. The key is to find someone who likes what you have to offer.
I agree with you for the most part. However, those little white lies that we tell come back to haunt us eventually. My new rule is just not to conceal things. The guilt is lifted and if a disagreement ensues it's a lot easier to handle than one when you get caught in a lie. To me a good relationship is the freedom to do your own stuff. Courtesy for the other person when you are doing it (i.e.: checking in, finding out if an activity interferes with something planned, letting the other person know where you will be and when you'll get back, when you are leaving the house, etc. Such simple courtesies work wonders for all relationships. Compassion & caring.
Be willing to be there for the other person, not just them being there for you.
While the things you mentioned are important in a lot of relationships, and they're clearly important to you, they aren't necessary in all relationships. And if you had a relationship with someone who had the opposite values (i.e. was very private and felt that checking in and the like was intrusive or oppressive), then you'd have some serious issues to work out in order for that relationship to be successful. Compromise and communication would definitely come into play in that case.
And just to be argumentative, being willing to be there for the other person also isn't necessary either, though I admit the person who feels this way is going to have a lot of relationship problems with others who DO expect this kind of reciprocity. They just have to find someone who isn't looking for that and only wants to be the caregiver in a relationship with nothing in return. Though rare, those people exist.
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